As a missionary kid, my family moved rather frequently…which meant that we had many opportunities to accumulate things from each place in which we lived. These things, although simply items that take up space or collect dust in some eyes, were much more to me. They symbolized security and stability. They represented safety and the familiar. They turned a space into my home no matter where I was in the world.
So, it is understandable that when it came time for my family to return to the United States to live permanently, I was more than a bit agitated. My parents wanted to sell our things…all the things that had made my life of chaos and uncertainty have order and structure were now being eliminated from my life. Because I was at boarding school and there was no phone system to speak of, my parents made selling choices without consulting either my sister or me. We returned home from the school year to discover that most of our home no longer existed.
I was completely lost and disoriented. I had no idea how to create the space of safety, security, and continuity in my next home…particularly because none of us knew where that new home was going to be. The next few months were high anxiety times for me because all I wanted was to have a routine again…create a space with familiar things and familiar smells because nothing about my new life was familiar at all.
I left home for my first year in college and struggled through the snow and ice and long nights and sunless days. My struggles almost got the best of me and at the moment when I thought they would I decided to return home to continue school with my family…the one constant I had in my life at that time.
Imagine my surprise when I walked through the door and was greeted by a distinguished black and white bundle of purring, busy energy. Macavity instantly connected to me and slowly pulled me out of the deep, dark pit of despair that was threatening to swallow me altogether. It is not an exaggeration to say that he saved my life. From then on, we were inseparable. We were a team, always facing the world and new adventures together knowing that as a team we were invincible.
When I graduated and was ready to leave for my first job, the only thing upsetting me about leaving home was that I’d have to leave Macavity behind. As I was packing one day, my mom came into my room and said that after much discussion, the family agreed that Macavity should leave with me if I was willing to take on the responsibility. I burst into tears with relief and gratitude.
Yesterday, in the early morning hours, our 20 years of adventures came to an end. Macavity fought long and hard to live until he just couldn’t live any longer. He embraced every single moment life had to offer him no matter what that moment brought to him. Pain was never to be avoided, but fully experienced with awareness. Challenges were faced head-on with gusto and confidence…never considering that he might fail. In all the neighborhoods we’d lived in around the country, and all the cats that he conquered to maintain his status as the alpha male cat, he never sustained a lasting injury such as a torn ear or anything ripped from him. I only ever had to treat a couple scratches and one bite. He knew he was badass and lived from this place with never-ending charm.
When he left, I felt the same disorientation I felt upon moving to the United States. I felt as though so much of myself was gone that I didn’t even know what was left. My partner was gone and I felt completely overwhelmed with the idea of going it alone…without my sidekick and inspiration and motivator. Everything I had used as my anchor for the past 20 years had dissipated in the span of one breath. I careened all over, desperately seeking stability and an anchor to stabilize me when my brother and soulmate felt my anguish and sent me this text message:
I’ve been feeling Macavity and his approaching transition all day today, and especially tonight. Today has been supercharged for me, and extra magical. I was looking at the sky right before he passed, and felt and saw an aurora…He’s free now, and so are you…*YOU* are now your anchor. He has been, is, and will continue to be your guide. You carry his truth and wisdom now. His pain is gone now, and his spirit will guide you through the emotions now…Look to the sky; that’s where I’m sending you the energy you need to get through it. *breathe* surrender *breathe* Feel it all, and use it to fuel your future. Nothing is between you and your dreams…Take it one step at a time and trust. You’re doing the work. Now is the time for you to receive it. You are not alone! I love you so much, beyond quantification ~Blessed Be.
All through the day, the mantra “YOU are now your anchor” kept ringing through my mind. Whenever I felt like I just couldn’t keep going, I felt Macavity right there, encouraging me to just take one more step…one more breath…one more moment to love myself. He showed me how to take my anchor for my life off of him and bring it into my Divine Line…allowing me to create stability for myself within…my own safety, security, familiar ways, and deep connections. I’m still learning…like a baby taking its first steps…ever grateful for the support, love, and encouragement whenever I need it.
If you are also facing such a loss in your life, I invite you to be your own anchor…pull it off those things or relationships or animals that have stabilized you until now. Bring that anchor into your Divine Line, tucking it securely into the seat of your pelvis…the heart of the root chakra. Then, discover the balance and flow that can be achieved in this space…fully contained within…conditional on neither person nor circumstance.
Come walk with me.