Yesterday, I left the house because I absolutely couldn’t stay inside and hide from the world any longer…I had to go to the bank. I knew that walking to the bank and back again would take all the energy and breath I had for the entire day, but the sun was out and the sky was blue, and I needed to soak up energy from somewhere, so I walked.
As I walked, I knew I was floating…surrealy disconnected from everyone and everything around me. I almost felt like a ghost myself, my rhythm being so slow compared to everyone else. Even others’ words were muffled…as though I was hearing them from underneath feet of water.
When I got to the bank, I walked straight up to the teller window, the teller being my favorite at the bank. She took one look at me and knew something had changed in my life and sincerely asked me what had happened. I was barely able to whisper a response to which she squeezed my hand and told me that her dog had transitioned three weeks before. I looked up at her for the first time, tears streaming down my face and, oddly enough, we both smiled.
“The first week is the hardest,” she said. “It doesn’t consume you forever, you know…it just feels like it will. Just breathe through it.”
I filled out the deposit slip and handed it to her. She looked down at it and then back at me. She pointed to the date I had written on the slip and asked, “Is this the day he died?” I suddenly realized that the moment Macavity’s heart had stopped, time stood still for me. Everything that has happened since then has been in a place of suspension…a time out of time…almost a parallel existence. I nodded and pulled the paper back to me to correct the date. As I did, I noticed that my internal clock slowly started to move…although it was moving according to a different time than before.
When all my business was complete, I walked home. As I walked under a tree, I stepped on its roots. I was shocked to feel a surge of energy shoot up through my feet and out through the top of my head. I turned to look at the tree and for a split second, I saw its soul. I said thank you and continued walking. As I walked, I looked at another tree, and again, for a split second, I saw its soul. Then suddenly, everything around me revealed their souls to me…all the trees, the plants, the flowers, the bushes, the cars, the buildings, the park benches…everything. In that moment, I became profoundly aware of the depth of life that exists on this planet…the vitality and movement and love that is constantly surrounding me. I became aware in a deeper way that I truly am never alone.
As I walked home, simultaneously experiencing a blissful state receiving life and love as well as a crushing heart of grief, I felt the pulse of the planet…Gaia’s heartbeat. A deep and primal throb…a different drummer than one I’ve ever previously experienced…the source of life itself. This was the time that was now surging through my body…the pulse that my internal clock was now calibrated to. This was the point of all existence…the point at which all creation and destruction, transformation and healing occurs…that edge on which we die only to be resurrected in a new form with new eyes and deeper perceptions.
This is the place I invite you to visit…this place of all that is. It requires a complete disconnect from all that you know, think, and organize your life with. It requires a deep and centered grounding within yourself…a mind that is shut off, and a heart that is raw and open and vulnerable. It requires honesty so pure and true that the brutality takes your breath away. It requires a complete surrender of self…of ego…of all that you know, love, and dream. In this place of complete nakedness, resting in the flow of life itself, you will feel this throb…this pulse…the source of life…the source of healing…the source of love. Calibrate your inner clock to this source. This is how to live in Divine Timing…that existence where your heart becomes one with Divinity…that dynamic where your desires meld with that of Source…that place where miracles happen as you move together in a unified cosmic dance with all of life…this is the life of co-creation.
And so it is.