No matter how evolved one becomes, no matter how perfect we think we are, no matter how much we meditate, or eat the right foods, or follow our exercise regimens, everyone experiences difficult days.
Yesterday was one such day for me. My cat turned 20 in December. Except for the first 9 months of his life, he has been with me almost constantly. We have traveled throughout the United States together, and learned amazing things together and from each other. As he’s gotten older, he’s become increasingly clingy…which makes me crazy. In the past two months, his memory and reasoning has deteriorated dramatically to the point where he can no longer remember where he should go when he feels the urge to eliminate. Like all cats, his most active hours are during the night, so between the quality of his eliminations and his memory issues, I am up most of every night tending to him and his needs. On the one hand, I am deeply grateful that I have the time and flexibility to tend to him and that our history has taught me infinite patience with him. On the other, my exhaustion is increasing daily, and I often wonder where my limits are and when I will smack up against them…particularly when I go back to work.
Last night, I was up every hour with him…only to realize in the morning that we were out of his food. When I went to the store to get his food, I learned that the company is no longer making that flavor. Due to his list of allergies, there were only two kinds of foods that were even a consideration, and I have absolutely no idea if he’ll like the flavor. I was too tired to care…I just bought them, fed him, and went back to bed.
Everything I went to do today was out of sorts in some fashion. I wasn’t in a hurry to go anywhere, nor did I have a fixed agenda…it was just one of those days. On top of which, my body is deciding that right now is the perfect time to detox, so all sorts of interesting sensations, emotions, and physical eruptions are happening. All in all, not a life-or-death kind of day, but definitely a grouchy one. No matter what I did, I couldn’t pop myself out of it. So, I decided to just be grouchy…embrace the discomfort and allow it to be. I apologized to those around me, and then simply held a space of compassion for me to experience all the grouchiness I needed to experience.
Even though I held that space for myself, the feelings didn’t go away. But, I did realize that I could be more gentle with myself…not push myself to do things just because I thought I should. I could drive someone to a store, but I didn’t have to go in…I could sit in the car in the sun and read a book. Or, I could call a store to see if they had what I needed before leaving the house and facing traffic. Giving myself permission to care for myself in these ways did a lot to alleviate the pressure around my discomfort.
Then, as I tuned into the energy tonight, I saw one explanation for what I was feeling, and it made me realize that perhaps others might be experiencing something similar. What I saw was something akin to a roller coaster. Not the average roller coaster that loops about…more like the Indiana Jones ride at Disneyland…stop and go and up and down and side to side, sliding around corners and dodging this way and that. Highly unpredictable which, after a while, can be quite wearing.
If you’re experiencing such a day, I invite you to be gentle with yourself…no matter what others around you may say to or about you during this time. Rather than beat yourself up for not being a particular way (perfect), or tell yourself you’re less-than because you can’t be cheerful every day all day long (I know of no one who can do this), find that space of compassion for yourself. If you cannot hold it for yourself, ask your Higher Self or Divinity to hold it for you. Then, just sit in whatever it is that you are feeling…not resisting it…simply being aware of all the sensations and experiences it offers to you. If you need to cry, cry. If you need to yell, yell (preferably in a private space). Find a way to express all that you need to express in as constructive a way as possible…journaling, painting, running, working out at the gym, spending time in nature, composing music…something creative and alone if possible.
Sometimes there are treasures of insight that come with such days…sometimes, it’s simply the practice of being that is the treasure. Whichever it is, try to find gratitude in something…breathing…tears…a room to yourself…something. For it is in being and being grateful that some of the most beautiful experiences occur…especially in those terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days.
And so it is.