This last week, I got the crud bug. Badly.
For three days, I could do nothing but exist. I hurt everywhere, and was deeply aware of every bit of it, every second of the day and night. My fevers rose and fell quickly, leaving me drenched and exhausted. Eating was out of the question, and pulling myself out of bed to use the restroom or take care of the cat was about all I could manage. Finally, my sinuses stopped draining out the front, and started collecting in my lungs, and I really fell into a dark place…for two days.
As I lay in my bed, a migraine stabbing my eyes and temples, shivering uncontrollably and coughing so hard that I sprained ribs, I came face-to-face with the realization that I cannot keep pushing like I have in the past. Next to my bed was a pile of papers…all of which rather urgent and important. I had important appointments and engagements with the outside world…all of which were vitally important to meeting and caring for my mundane needs in this dimension. And…none of them were going to be taken care of this week, no matter how hard I tried or how much I wanted or needed them to be. I had to let them go completely.
As I let go of one thing, Spirit asked me to let go of more…and more…and more. Until all that was left was for me to just exist and be present with the moment’s experience. I became aware of the movement of blood in my veins and arteries…the movement of air through the sinuses, throat, and lungs…the flow of herbs as it hit the bloodstream…the direction of the migraine and ultimately its source. I also became aware that I have absolutely no idea what I want or where I’m going or what to even ask for and, rather than struggle to find answers, I needed to surrender to the uncertainty.
I’m not saying there isn’t fear present…there is. And some days that fear is rather healthy. By not resisting it, and allowing myself to just breathe alongside of it, I learn that fear is not alone…it’s just louder than hope or peace or love at the moment. Once I realize this, I can look around and recognize and appreciate the value and beauty of everything that is. I fully experience it, and despite being so ill and in so much pain and misery, I have rarely been more fully alive.
This New Moon is asking the same from you. Let it all go. All of it. You may have dreams and aspirations and wishes and visions and plans for your life. I know I certainly have had those, and had them up until this last week. But these dreams, aspirations, wishes, visions, and plans may have been a part of a different process…a different energy…a different lifetime…pre-December 21, 2012. In this post-era, those old ways will fall away. So, rather than clinging desperately to something that will crumble despite your best efforts and willpower, let it go. Release it all. All that you thought you knew…about you…about life…about your place in it…about your purpose in it…what you want…what you don’t want…what you like…what you don’t like…what you can do…what you can’t do. It’s all changing, so allow yourself to change with the tides.
Then learn to sit peacefully in the chaos and start to hear the gentle voices of hope, love, and peace that do exist even in the face of fear. In this place, the gentle rebuilding of a new perspective and a new direction will come to you…quietly…when you least expect it…unknowingly.
And remember…You are loved.
All will be well.
And so it is.