Moving from one way of being to another is not a simple process…at least for me. There are no clean lines or delineations marking the ending of one part of my life. Neither are there specific moments of announcement that another part is beginning. It’s all muddled up together…my existance straddling the old and the new…constantly shifting in percentages from one moment to the next. So, I’m never quite certain when an epoch truely begins in my life. More accurately, I simply have a vague sense that something is ending or has completed, and the replacement is emerging in some way.
This is certainly true for me at the moment…the vague feeling that something has completed, and the simultaneous uncertainty of what is unfolding to fill the void. What has completed for me is the process of reinventing myself and raising my consciousness and daily living vibrations in order to attract and manifest the life I have desired.
This process can be marked in many different ways. It could have begun when decided to change careers, go back to school, and gave myself permission to finally fully explore who I am and what I want from life. Or, it could have begun when I finally chose to leave my childhood religion because it couldn’t support or enhance the me that I was discovering. Or, it could have begun when I converted to a religion that aligned more fully with my identity. Or, it could have begun the morning when I experienced an awakening through a conversation with a complete stranger. Or, it could have begun when I decided that I would not date anyone until I had healed my inner wounds to the degree that allowed me to attract a different kind of man.
Any and all of these have been significant points of transitions…of beginning and endings for me. And, there have been more of these moments. However, when I look back at the sequence of events, it’s difficult to pinpoint a specific moment that wasn’t connected to or the result of previous decisions and experiences…for they all lead to this moment…this present reality of finally having everything I have wanted in my life. So, the best I can say for now, is that the manifesting process has completed, and now the living and maintaining begins.
Consequently, my focus is shifting. Prior to this completion, part of my process included teaching and facilitating healing in others. It was a very expansive way of living and included many people. I learned through my interactions with others and experienced support through teaching others as I journeyed on my path. Now, I realize that my focus is much more specific, and, in a way, restricted. I am less willing to share myself with others, desiring to conserve large portions of myself and my energies for me and my manifested family. It is a more inward way of being…much more the solitary and secluded life I once craved. And yet, I am not in a convent or a hut in the mountains. I am simply a suburban woman who no longer needs to work outside the home, is focused on her evolving relationships with her mother and Beloved, and is unexpectedly expecting her first child in a few weeks.
In this environment, I get to practice my tools in new ways, and find my new expression of purpose by containing my energies…using them on me and for me rather than allowing them to flow outwardly in all directions. It’s an odd feeling, this balance of masculine and feminine within me…the creative flow and the boundaries co-existing in a dynamic fashion. And yet, I am so deeply grateful to experience it, for this was one of the many desires I had throughout my manifestation process…the balancing of the two sides of my nature…the masculine and feminine…the light and the dark…the expansive and the contractive…the damp and the dry…the outward and the inward. And, I have a feeling this is where my foundation begins for this new life…the inward connection to this dynamic balance of harmonizing opposing forces as I move through my daily routines and address the inevitable challenges that this life offers.
And so, because I am now aware of the shift, both inwardly and outwardly, I will mark this point as the beginning of the new…allowing the remnants to fall away and into place in their right times.