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from the Romance Angeles Oracle Deck by Doreen Virtue

from the Romance Angels Oracle Deck by Doreen Virtue

Although I was grateful for my friend’s wisdom, I still faced the inevitable question: How do I live this? What do I do in the next moment? What do I do when I see this person next? What do I say? How much do I say? Do I say anything at all? It was precisely at this moment when MysticMama posted the answers to these questions…the tab to this post has remained open in my browser ever since I read it. This paragraph in particular jumped out at me:

…Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them.

As I read those words, I remembered a paragraph from Pema Chodron’s book The Wisdom of No Escape…and the Path of Loving-Kindness that has haunted me for a year now:

During the dathun…the participants kept the five monastic vows: not to lie…The resulting collaboration of nature, solitude, meditation, and vows made an alternatingly painful and delightful “no exit” situation. With nowhere to hide, one could more easily hear the teachings…

The no lying bit smacked me. I am generally an excessively honest person…I find taking a paperclip, that I haven’t purchased, beyond comprehension. But, I realized, being honest about my emotions and expressing that honesty to others is a different story. I lie all the time…and I’m frustrated with those who lie in return. Now, I was being called to increase my connection with my inner truth and express that truth even more honestly through my words and actions…first to myself, and then increase my courage so that I could be honest with those around me. So I breathed, and stayed present…sometimes for only a few seconds at a time, but at least I wasn’t running away. I was practicing a new pattern…shifting my perspective…making room for something better by releasing expectations…letting go of ego of fear and separation so that love could shine.

breathe in…breathe out…stay here…feel it all fully…even the intense discomfort…

I began the process of exploring inner truth by first pulling my courage, honesty, control, connection, love, power, attachment, and commitment back to myself. As I did so, I realized in new and deeper ways how and where I have been holding them outside of my Divine Line and how much of me is outside of that line…and how holding this energy outside of my Divine Line depletes my life force. As the veils of illusion began to dissolve, I started to see and explore all the subtle ways I have been using these energies to manipulate people, situations, and systems to get my way. This was an extremely uncomfortable moment and one that threatened to consume me with guilt and shame until my Guides tenderly offered me the experience of self-forgiveness and a deepening of self-love and self-compassion. I am still exploring those things…gradually…gently…tenderly.