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from the oracle deck, Earth Magic

from the oracle deck, Earth Magic by Stephen D. Farmer

For me, this Mercury Retrograde began with bang and is ending with a whisper. As I become more sensitive to The whisper belies the tumultuousness of the space between the beginning and endings…I feel as though I have aged 5 years in that time. And, perhaps I did. Astrologically, it was an incredibly intense time: Sun, Mercury, and Saturn in Scorpio, Jupiter in Cancer, Pluto in Capricorn squaring Uranus in Pisces as it opened the heart chakra. Add to that the three eclipses and the shifting in and out of several planetary retrogrades and we have a massive recipe for transformation.

And with transformation comes the muck. It’s inevitable and an important part of the process…because it is the process. The muck is all that stuff that we’re carrying around that is weighing us down. It’s all that stuff that we once wanted and cried for and begged for and celebrated receiving, and no longer need but hold on to. It’s those things, people, relationships, institutions, beliefs, edges, separations, that we use to define us and our value and worth and importance and needs and wants. Yet these are not us…they are simply illusions that we can choose to participate in or not. Oftentimes, these illusions are necessary and vital to life. When they no longer serve life, it’s time to let them go…and that process can be painful, disorienting, and ugly. It can bring to the surface all of those things that we’d rather not know about ourselves, much less let another person know them either. And yet, that’s exactly what this time was all about: exposure and vulnerability. In spades.

This particular transformational process felt like a rolling snowball…downhill…in a strong wind. Just as one thing came to the surface for healing and release, it revealed a deeper and bigger issue…wound…scar…perspective…belief…habit. It began with a massive illusion fully disintegrating, challenging me to my very core self. As that dis-integration began, some really powerful patterns emerged…patterns of obsessiveness, possessiveness, and control. I was appalled. I knew I could be intense, but this was something. At first, I wanted to ignore it and hide from it, but my obsessiveness didn’t allow me to. How funny is that? When I finally stopped resisting it and just sat with it, I saw my past and present in new ways. I saw how these patterns helped to create situations in my life. Some of these situations were helpful and beneficial…not only for me, but also for those around me. Some of the situations were painful and I didn’t understand at the time why they happened or how they happened. During this time, I was offered some insight into those situations and I was grateful…grateful for answers and perspective and re-lease and re-patterning.

After the dis-integration, the next step in the process involved love…who do I love, why do I love, what is love, how much to love, when is love appropriate, when does love include boundaries, what are those boundaries, are they the same for all relationships, are they the same for similar kinds of relationships, are they the same for all situations with the same person? Then, how do I figure out the answers to these questions, and, more importantly, how do I go about living those answers? For, in order to live these answers, patterns of thoughts and behaviors have to change…and I am definitely a creature of habit. Stepping out of a habit, no matter how much I desire the change, is vulnerable-uncomfortable. I am no longer an expert…I am back to square one…the Fool in the tarot…the freshman after being crowned homecoming queen my senior year…banging up my shins as I learn to wield a new sword, as one of my teachers describes it. All control, or the illusion of control, is stripped away. I’m back to the breath-to-breath existence…constantly checking in with myself to see if I should continue, stop and wait, or leave.

This examination revealed a separation, or lack thereof, between my personality’s desires and impulses from my soul’s. In so many of the situations that presented themselves to me during this time, my personality wanted to run far, far away and hide in the deepest and darkest of caves. I did that for a bit actually…until a dear friend, with so much love and care and insight into my heart, strongly encouraged me to examine my motives.

It’s one thing to do this if you really need to protect yourself,” he said. “It’s another thing altogether if you’re angry and want to punish the other person. By punishing the other person, you’re hurting yourself just as much or more. If this was a beneficial relationship to both parties, you have more to gain by shifting your perspective and expectations to include that person in your life…no matter how uncomfortable it may feel right now.

With tears of gratitude for his wisdom and insight, together we explored new levels of vulnerability and release in my heart.