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I’m a do-er. I like to be efficient in everything…even to the point of planning my shopping route so I only make right turns, never backtracking on the planned route by more than a block, and calling stores ahead of time to have them set aside items from my purchase list so I can get in, get out, and move on with my day.

Bing! Bang! Boom!

This is because I like lists…mostly I like to check things off my list…like Monica Geller. I have lists because I’m a planner…I rarely start something without knowing the outcome and every single step between me and the desired outcome. I also rarely begin something without at least two alternate plans and an exit strategy.

For most of my life this has worked very well for me. I figure out what I want, then I go for it until I get it. I have rarely doubted my ability to complete or achieve whatever it was I set out to do…and, for the most part, I’ve pretty much achieved everything I’ve wanted to. Just typing those words astonishes the intuitive side of me because I’m forced to stop and acknowledge that fact…rather than take it for granted like I usually do.

Until recently.

All of these skills I’ve mastered and use with effortless ease just aren’t working as well any more. My laser-focused attention and energy only gets me knocked on my tuchus…from where I look around in astonishment wondering what just happened.

I received some insight into this tuchus-landing phenomenon the other day. In class, we were guided through a series of energetic exercises with the purpose of learning how to feel and sense another through our intuition and body sensations. One of the exercises experimented with switching between a masculine gaze and a feminine gaze…the masculine was very pointed and focused and went through a person; the feminine was wide and encompassing and went around a person.

As I worked with my partner, he asked me a question, which I have now completely forgotten, but revealed a life-changing perspective: I have spent the majority of my life moving with a masculine focus. As a result, I get a heck of a lot done…and yet…there’s very little connection from my heart space to another’s heart space with this approach to life. In fact…there is very little connection to my own heart space with this approach to life. Being so goal oriented and cerebral and efficient hasn’t left a lot of room for magic or surprises or the unexpected.

So…the Universe helped me out in a pretty significant way by turning my life completely upside-down in order to get my attention. Once again…on my tuchus, looking around, wondering what just happened.

As I’ve thought about this difference of life approaches and the changes within that are happening, there is one exceptionally loud reality: This is very uncomfortable for me. I do not enjoy being incompetent in anything, and let me tell you, I feel quite incompetent at the moment. This feminine energy that not only encompasses so much of my life, but also the planet, is requiring a shift in how I fundamentally operate. I am well aware that I’m seeking a balance between these two, the masculine and the the feminine…knowing when to use one or the other or a combination of both with equal skill…but I am nowhere near achieving this. And, with the massive shake-up, changes, and the unclear direction of my life this past year, there has been, and sometimes still is, a huge amount of doubt and anxiety that I face. I frequently want to skip this uncomfortable, incompetent time and jump straight to the part where I can easily move through life again…successfully, effortlessly, efficiently, and peacefully.

Then one morning, after several weeks of asking for clarity, I heard this as I drifted into consciousness:

You don’t find peace while frustrated in a traffic jam trying to get to Target. You find peace by forgetting you know how to get there in the first place.

My over-achiever sensibilities are highly offended by this statement. However, I’m not particularly enjoying the smack-downs either. My feminine, intuitive side is inviting me, it seems, to let go…allowing, instead, my path to unfold with heart-centered sensational delights…making room for all those things I’ve forgotten my heart once dreamed.

I hope I survive.

And so it is.