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by David Wilkinson

by David Wilkinson

This last full moon and its eclipse sent me on quite a roller-coaster ride. Because of all the time and energy and chaos around my move and then the emotional aspects of leaving and starting again and adjusting, my researching and meditation time fell away. I had no idea what was happening or what to expect, and I got quite a surprise.

When I was younger, I struggled to perform musically with any kind of emotional success. I threw all of myself into my performances so that by the end I was a completely depleted walking bag of emotions and tears. It was standard procedure for me to sit down afterwards, completely trembling, and not be able to speak or move for at least 30 minutes. Having any other person near me or interacting with me was too much stimulation and caused me a lot of pain. Eventually, understandably, I stopped performing…but not until after I graduated with a music degree.

As I’ve learned how to shield myself and hold my energy on me and use it only for me…no one else…my ability to play music has changed significantly. The joy has increased exponentially, and I can now control how much of myself I put into my music…I found the faucet control and can change the speed and temperature of my output. It is much more comfortable and not depleting at all to perform now…in fact, it is rejuvenating, finally, which I love!

Except for this last weekend. Not only did I feel like I did in my younger years, I felt completely and utterly exposed…as though everyone could see, hear, read, and feel all of my thoughts, desires, wishes, dreams, and secrets. I felt naked and vulnerable and ashamed and very very judged. I did not like it. At all. The rest of that day and the entire next day was spent trying to simultaneously make sense of everything that happened, all that I felt, and release a magnificent amount of restless energy. And eventually I had a little bit of a breakthrough in understanding.

This full moon/eclipse was about revealing all of those areas in our lives that we have kept hidden and secret in order to keep from “rocking the boat.” Whenever I have “rocked the boat” I have had to face some unpleasant and unwanted consequences. At the very least, relationships with people change. Always it’s for the better, but as a creature of habit, I struggle to stay in the flow of change…allowing it to be good too. In the more unpleasant scenarios of “rocking the boat” jobs end, relationships end, religious affiliations end, and sometimes life ends. “Rocking the boat” has been a dangerous thing to do for me, so I have tended to postpone it as long as possible because I constantly hope to avoid the inevitable.

As the inevitable revealed itself to me this last weekend, I got all riled up. I was angry with me and with the other person and with society and pretty much anyone and anything I could be angry with. I wanted to stand on a soapbox and spew all of my “wisdom” to anyone who would listen…especially to the other person. I was tired of pretending that something that is, isn’t. I was tired of pretending I didn’t know things to be true. I was tired of pretending that everything is perfect when it isn’t. I was tired of putting on a fake smile and engaging in trite conversations simply to make others feel comfortable with their avoidance tactics. I was tired of compromising my needs for the sake of others’ and I was tired of not standing up for myself and saying so. I was ready to say so…with plenty of vehemence and some rather harsh ultimatums.

And then I heard the thought…wait.

Seriously??? I’ve kept quiet for this long and you want me to wait some more??!

Yup. There it was again. Wait.

As I explored this instruction this week, I learned something more about myself…that just because I have a revelation doesn’t mean that I have to go guns a-blazin’ into the situation and change everything right away. I don’t even have to say anything right away…or even do anything right away. Such a shocking revelation to me who is so used to movement and getting in there and getting stuff done. This week, I learned that it’s enough, for right now, to just be aware…to see and acknowledge the truth that there is something that is ready to be changed, and trust that in the right time it will. It’s enough to do the work on myself first…to find my feet in my own power, in my own boundaries, and in my own new ways of thought and feelings before ever expressing it outwardly. Stand up…internally…and wait externally.

I’m so glad I listened. It still isn’t time for me to speak, but I am seeing and aware in new ways. I’m learning a lot about me and the other person, and I’m looking for insights on how to create a new path through this murky situation. In the waiting, I’m realizing again that there doesn’t have to be an either/or solution…there can also be an and solution. There doesn’t have to be a harsh separation between us as a result of this necessary conversation…there can also be a gently gradual resolution with enough time and space and tenderness and love. The waiting will provide that for me. I just have to trust…allow…flow…stand up internally, and wait.

And so it is.

~Gysela

 

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